People Pleasing Is Really About Attachment and Safety

In the spirit of feeling lost and found, I am sharing a thought based on recent events.

Without boring you with all of the details, I have done some internal investigations. Familiar emotions about the impact of attachment-related feelings of abandonment. Don’t worry, we’re not going to get too deep here, however, abandonment can show up in many different forms and develop from a variety of life experiences.

The reason for the post today is to talk about the result of my relationship fractures and feelings of being “dropped”. For me, I have recognized that I’m a people-pleaser (this is done to keep people close – so many other things go along with that – not going there today!).

The more I thought about this term (people pleaser), the less I liked it.

It doesn’t fit.

It feels like the weight remains with the individual who is trying to access a connection. Today, I am writing to say that we should rename the term people pleasing to something like “connection seeking” or “confronting anticipatory loss” (clearly, this is still a work in progress!). I don’t know what I’d like to call it, but I want to stay away from telling myself that I am pleasing others to stay safe—it feels exhausting just thinking about it. Being a “pleaser” doesn’t feel right. AND it’s not sustainable.

The found version of me is noticing that I might be able to locate that connection I’m seeking by looking inside. When it comes up, pause, look inside, and reflect on the connections I DO have to settle that uncomfortable thing that comes up for me.

It’s just a pause, a recognition—and that, my friends, is progress, which is a win in my books! It’s not going to work every time, but it’s a step in the right direction.

The lesson? Sometimes what we call “people pleasing” is really a deeper longing for safety and connection.

When we reframe it, we give ourselves space to pause, look inward, and meet that need without overextending ourselves for others.

That pause, even if brief, is a powerful act of self-trust.